i had no idea yesterday was
world cancer day.
i like to share our story, my mother's story, my story.
but, i'm having difficulties just trying to write this blog post. i type, then delete, then type, then delete, and etc. i have written 5 different posts about this subject, but have not had the heart to publish it. each post was written at a different stage. this post, is written after losing her to cancer.
my mom had cancer. she was only 53 years old. she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. she caught pneumonia in january, and at around this time last year (2012), she was going through tests as to what the nodules in her lung were. on february 7, she was officially diagnosed with the disease. everything changed. february 15, i quit my job and became a full-time caretaker for my mom.
i cannot put into words to fully describe the year long trial of when she was alive. i've never felt so much pain and have never cried so much tears. the most frustrating part of this whole trial? unable to take away the pain that my mom was going through. when she was first diagnosed, i would see her everyday sitting on the sofa praying to God: begging for understanding, for comfort, and for strength. she was scared, but nothing i said could comfort her. when everything seemed to be looking up, she was struck back down in october. she was admitted to the er for her high fever. there, we found out that the cancer spread to her bones. she was in pain everyday, and i couldn't do anything. we tried everything from organic diet to new supplements to acupuncture to western medicine. we gave her whatever she needed, but nothing could ease her pain. she was released from the hospital two weeks later. in less than a week, she was readmitted because she had a major heart attack.
on december 5, 2012 at 8:30 am, she died. she died in my father's arms. i was there when i watched her take her final breath. it's an image i can never erase from my memory. i can remember seeing her body just lying there and slowly decaying by the 4th hour. her body was completely rigid - there was no life in her. i remember the people coming in and putting her body in a black bag. i remember them taking it down the stairs and into the van. that was my last image of her.
this wasn't suppose to happen. we gave her everything. she was lucky to go through an oral treatment and she was getting better! but suddenly, everything went the wrong direction. and we couldn't help but ask, why? we made sure she was always in bright spirits. we bought tom n' jerry because it made her laugh. we changed to an all organic diet. we gave her the best supplements, the best treatments.
but, it look like God had a different plan.
that year was very difficult. but the trial doesn't end there.
i cannot put into words the trial we are going through after her passing.
christina, henry, and i watched our mother suffer. we were unable to take away her pain. now, we again failed and cannot take away the pain that our father is going through.
he was married to my mom for 23 years and they had a beautiful marriage. it was a very loving and God-centered relationship. when she died, it looked like the life was sucked out of him.
we watch him cry every night unable to offer words of comfort. we watch him babble like a child, and walk around lifeless. he has no hope, no purpose, and no passion for life. he's upset with God, mad at God.
but we are a family. we will not leave him stranded there alone. the three of us are working very hard to help him back to his feet. so rest assured, the Yen will family will be okay. we will get through this, even though it means it will take a few more tears and fights. there is light at the end of this tunnel, we really can't see it yet, but we trust that He will lead us through it.
so in conclusion? i believe everything is going to be okay. my faith is getting me through this and is what gives me hope for a brighter future. i have many days where i am very depressed and i am absolutely mad at Him for allowing this to happen. there are times where i just think: what did i do wrong? but, it's wrong for me to think like that. there is a reason for all of this. i just don't know it yet. He sees the big picture and ultimately in the end, this will bring Him honor and glory.
i miss her very much. i'm sad that she can't be there when i go wedding dress shopping. she won't be able to see me get married. she won't see her first grandchildren. i'm sad that she never saw christina graduate from college, or see her get married and her children. i'm sad that she will never see henry graduate from high school and college; to see him get married and have kids. these things she will never see here on earth, but she'll be watching over us. and i hope the three of us have her qualities that when you see us, you'll see a little bit of her
i do have one more thing to say
(rant mode):
for those of you who smoke, you all are very selfish people. and in one sense, a slap to the face to those who are going through this. my mom never smoked, yet somehow she got lung cancer. we know that one of the side effects of smoking is cancer. now you may think: oh hey, i can handle all the treatments and the emotional stuff that comes so it's okay to smoke.
wrong. it's
not okay. you are only thinking of yourself. you do not see the bigger picture. you do not see the amount of pain you put on the people around you. the sacrifices that needs to be made. you don't see the emotional roller coaster that the people around you has to go through. you don't see the amount of tears cried at night. you don't see the sleepless nights of asking yourself: is he/she going to make it through the night? you don't see the number of drives taken to go the hospital to visit you. you don't see all the research put in to prolong your life. you don't see the many fake assurances that we have made to other people that you're going to be okay. you don't see the pain in our eyes as we tell you that you're going to live a long life despite knowing that you only have two weeks left to live. you don't see the pain we feel whenever we have a talk with the doctor (they
always give bad news).
so please, especially the people that i actually know that smoke,
stop. because if (God forbids) anyone of you get cancer and it's something you brought onto yourself, i pity your close family and friends. this whole experience is something i never want anyone else to have to go through.
